Wednesday, February 07, 2007

A Little Cultural Exercise - Ladies and Gents!

His Lordship and I were visiting the theatre the other night. Prior to the start of the show we took a leisurely drink in the theatre bar, a rather grand place with oak panelling and crystal chandeliers adorning the beautifully painted roof. As we were finishing our drinks the bell sounded for us to take our seats. We settled in and enjoyed the first half. When the intermission came we headed back towards the bar, however the effects of the pre-show drink were taking their natural course and so I excused myself and headed for the 'powder room'.

My heart sank as I saw the queue. I should not have been shocked in the slightest by the sight of the line two deep running all the way out of the door and half way up the corridor. This is a fact of life if you are a woman, you have to queue for the facilities. And so it was my friends, that I took an executive decision and decided on an impromptu cultural exercise, 'are we ready yet for mixed sex facilities'?

The gentleman's toilets were on the opposite side of the corridor and so without further ado I bypassed the now cross legged, jigging line and headed towards the gents. On pushing open the door I could hear the sound of 'running water' to my left and therefore felt that it would be somewhat appropriate to divert my gaze to the right. However on doing so I realised that the entire wall was mirrored, as was the wall directly above the urinals. I had been spotted immediately by the half a dozen men engaged in, well in their business.

"Excuse me madam, but the 'Ladies', is opposite," one chap helpfully offered.

"Yes I know dear, but really, have you seen the queue?" I replied, and with that headed to the nearest cubicle to... well to go about my own business. As I sat contemplating the next thousand words in my novel and where my characters were going, (well what do you think about), I could hear a frantic flurry of activity as the chaps quickly finished up and left. You know I have to say that I was a little dismayed to find that not all of them washed their hands. No peanuts for me at the bar!!!

On completing my business I opened the door to go and wash my hands, unfortunately I disturbed a chap who was oblivious to the fact that I was there. On seeing me emerge from the cubicle behind him he panicked and attempted to shake and zip at the same time. Ladies having witnessed the results, I can tell you that this most definitely is not a good combination. As I could see that he was in a great deal of discomfort, and being a saint, I of course offered to assist. The poor chap bolted for the nearest cubicle and locked the door. He left as I was washing my hands, walking not unlike John Wayne as he headed for the door.

Just as he got there the door burst open and in walked a rather distinguished looking chap followed by two very harassed looking gentlemen, who I recognised from earlier when I had been spotted in the mirror.

"Excuse me madam, but may I ask what you are doing in here?" the distinguished looking chap enquired seriously,

"I have no intention of going into any detail, suffice to say that I have been using the facilities,"

"but you have your own across the corridor,"

"have you seen the queue?" I asked,

"that is beside the point madam, they are your facilities and you should use them, these are the gentlemen's facilities and they are unsuitable for ladies,"

"why ever not, they worked just fine for me thank you,"

"you misunderstand madam, these are the gents," he persisted

"so you keep saying dear, why on earth can I not use them?"

Just then a voice piped up from behind the door, it was the John Wayne impersonator, "because you don't have any ruddy balls woman,"

"Oh I beg to differ my dear, I just don't keep them in a pair of crusty old y-fronts...!" I gave him my most saintly smile before taking my leave to join his Lordship at the bar.

This is St Jude Mmr, Cjd, Nut, Dip Py, until my next assignment signing off.

12 at confession:

Kim Ayres said...

Given the appalling state of most gent's cubicles, I'd rather use the ladies. However, I'd get arrested for that, and I don't think a plea for 'mixed sex facilities' would help.

My eyes watered in sympathy for the guy trying to shake and zip. I have to admit it's not something most guys ever do more than once in their lives though.

Mamma said...

My hero!!!!!!!!!!!

Nikki said...

I've done that myself...the going to the gents part...not the shake and zip part...obviously. (snicker)

Attila The Mom said...

"No peanuts for me at the bar!!!"

OMG---I think I just peed a little on myself! LOL

Arthur Clewley said...

it's not very fair though your saintliness, if a man went in the ladies he'd more likely be arrested than asked politely to leave. If there's a queue it's women's fault for making a trip to the loo into a gossip and make-up session. you need to be more efficient and stick to the job in hand!

St Jude said...

Kim: I'm sorry I made your eyes water.

Mamma: I aim to please ;0)

Nikki: And I thougt that you were such an innocent!!

Attila: maybe you should have headed for the gents?

Arthur: both you and Kim are sadly right in the 'arresting' bit. By the way we don't all chat etc. I think the 'job in hand' has put a rather unwanted image in my mind now.

Queen of the Mayhem said...

That is too funny! I, too, have had to resort to using the men's restroom! Usually it is met with amusement and wonder from the men inside. Of course, Mr. Mayhem fails to see the humor in it. I don't think he quite understands that I am going in there to use the facilities, not gaze at other men's private parts! Funny post!

Kate said...

I do that too, but I get Mr Blogs to check they are empty first, and then he guards the door - very successfully, people tend not to argue with a man who is 6'2" and sounds like Sean Bean. Not sure why that is. Anyhow, I often emerge to find a queue of men doing the 'need to pee' dance. Hah, lets them know how we feel!

Diesel said...

You have balls alright. (Hoping that expression translates across the pond...).

I noticed you added the banner. Thank you! Shall I add a link to your blog? Do you have a banner?

St Jude said...

Diesel: thank you, I'd love a link, unfortunately I don't have a banner, I'm not that advanced yet. :0)

Damian McNicholl said...

st jude, a tale that really made me laugh.

Beth said...

Kudos to you for going where so few females dare to enter...and for reporting on the "goings-on."
(And thank you for the comment this weekend.)

A Tykes Progress. Design by Exotic Mommie. Illustraion By DaPino