Thursday, February 22, 2007

Life on the Mean Streets - Massacre

I don't know how to tell you all this, but there was a mass murder at work yesterday. Oh no, I hear you gasp. Oh yes I reply, but there is worse to come.. I was one of the perpetrators!!!

This has been brewing for the last couple of weeks. The 'victims' had first made themselves known to a couple of my colleagues early one afternoon as they were sitting at their desks next to the window. The encounter was painful and left them scarred and with an unfulfilled itching to rid themselves of the memory.

Over the next few days several more of us fell prey to them, indeed their numbers were growing and they knew no boundaries. Finally we could take no more, in desperation we called on the services of a 'specialist', someone prepared to deal with the detritus of society. We only knew him as Brian.


Obviously in our line of business we have inside knowledge of such people and the 'work' that they perform. I have to say however that the negotiations were tricky. Meeting in secret and ensuring that our phonecalls were not overheard, we finally agreed on a date and time. His methods were brutally simple but swift and deadly. None would survive he assured us, no one would be any the wiser.

And so in the still of night just a couple of days later, he stealthily entered the building by the rear door. Nothing could distinguish him from any other 'cleaner'. He quietly worked his magic and satisfied that there were no survivors he left us a note telling us how and where to send payment. Then he slipped out into the night once more.

Payment was swiftly dispatched, we wanted to distance ourselves from him with all haste. No one need ever know the terrible deed that had taken place under the cover of darkness. We must all stick together, lips sealed and sit tight, we'd get away with it, then it all started to unravel.

By lunchtime the office looked more like a late night at a German bierfest with people slapping at their ankles thighs and backsides. Brian had failed. Our nemesis had returned with a vengeance. These were the 'offenders' in question;


FLEAS, but it gets worse, these are not just any old fleas, they are Pulex Irritens, human fleas and they had infested our office. I am reliably informed that they are very rare these days, (they are even rarer now).I choose not to share my body fluids vicariously or not with strangers and as fleas are on the whole a whorey bunch not caring a jot who they bite, I made sure I had protection. However there are only so many ways in which you can accessorise a pair of waders.

After two more days of mayhem working with the new offenders, and no imminent support from the top brass, we decided to take matters into our own hands. At eight o'clock yesterday morning and suitably attired for the mass murder, we armed ourselves with industrial strength flea spray and set about the annihilation of the now hideously enormous population of fleas. Only time will tell if our massacre was a success. In the meantime I'm off to the shops, I saw a very nice scarf that I think will look absolutely stunning with my waders!

26 at confession:

Mamma said...

I am itchy just reading this. Aighhhh!!

Then do they come home with you? And now do you have to fumigate all of your spaces?

Oh I'm going to be itchy all day!

Good luck. And the waders? Lovely, darling. Lovely!

Oh, The Joys said...

Ack! Flea bites are the WORST!

Kate said...

Yuck! I'm itching just thinking about them. I hope your massacre left no survivors.

Beth said...

Okay, your waders look smashing and a new scarf can only enhance the look.
But, the BIG question is where did those fleas come from? A co-worker? A client? While you're into mass murder consider this - you must also eliminate the source!

St Jude said...

Mamma: you like waders too eh ;0} I sprayed everywhere at home too just to be on the safe side.

Oh The Joys: tell me about it.

Kate: so far nothing to report.

Beth: unfortunately we have a lot of NFA's, (no fixed abode), they sleep rough. We had it bad but what must they be going through, ugh!!!

Dan said...

Very funny post!

Why do they call them fleas anyway? It's not like they flee anywhere. In fact, they DON'T flee and that's the problem.

I think you should give up fleas for Lent.

St Jude said...

Dan: thank you. I think you're right, they would be a lot easier to give up than the pickle juice ;0)

david santos said...

Jude, hello!
All good
Thank you

Arthur Clewley said...

are any pictures of you in rubber going to posted up here jude? I wouldn't worry too much about the fleas, it's the animal rights lot after they read this that are going to be the problem.

Chris Pittock said...

Oooohhh! Not fun.

I'm not itching all over. The thought of it make my skin crawl.

We had a flea problem at home a few years ago, but these were the cat loving varity and human. It took us all day to spray and hoover the whole house. We did carpets, beds, chairs, everything. The cat didn't enjoy being sprayed one bit. However, it worked a treat and they haven't returned.

Good luck with your murderous challenge.

Chris Pittock said...

Belive it or not, English is my first language. You wouldn't know it though from reading my comments above.

St Jude said...

David: welcome, and I thank you.

Arthur: I can always rely on you ;0), would you really like to see me modelling my waders?

Chris: Fortunately on all fronts it is still fleas nil humans one.

It's the old brain to gingers... sorry fingers larky that gets us.

Pink Drama said...

hahaha! too funny.

thanks for visiting my blog. continue to stop by for more family drama. it's a non-stop roller coaster.

Diesel said...

You need to warn folks before posting stuff like that.

Did you do the drawing?

I voted for you, btw. :)

Stinkypaw said...

That is just plain gross! Fleas!!! And you weren't even camping!!! In your office, that's bad! Hope you managed to get them all, until then good idea to wear waders!! ;-)

Attila The Mom said...

Oh geez, I am itching all over in sympathy! arrrgghhhh!!

Pendullum said...

I was itching throughout thispost... and looking at my dog... thinking to myself'when was the last time you had a bath?'

Diesel said...

Happy Inappropriate Card Day, St. Jude!

Or is it over already?

Rainman said...

I'm just glad I wasnt arrested and forced to sit in your office in hand cuffs while that was going on.

Sounds like the American Mob could use your.. services if your so inclined? :) Remind me to tell you about my Mafia run in some day. Pretty amusing actually

100 Words said...

I'm worried. Have the bugs got you??

Rhea said...

So, they didn't 'flea' the law?

Kate said...

I'm worried too! Where are you? If I don't hear from you soon I'm organising a search party - you should be pretty easy to find, very few people have halos

Mamma said...

Hey there!!

You okay? Long time since we've heard from you. Just wanted to tell you I'm thinking of you. Hope all is okay.

Kevin Charnas said...

Yuk...

When I was deployed to Haiti, everytime I'd wake up, I'd have a few hundred flea bites all over me. I grew accustom to it. The warehouse we were stationed in was infested with them as it used to house live stock. Nice, huh?

I don't miss it.

Attila The Mom said...

They're holding you hostage, aren't they....

Pendullum said...

Hey Honey??/
Where are you???
Come out ! come out ! wherever you are!!!

 
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