Thursday, February 22, 2007

Life on the Mean Streets - Massacre

I don't know how to tell you all this, but there was a mass murder at work yesterday. Oh no, I hear you gasp. Oh yes I reply, but there is worse to come.. I was one of the perpetrators!!!

This has been brewing for the last couple of weeks. The 'victims' had first made themselves known to a couple of my colleagues early one afternoon as they were sitting at their desks next to the window. The encounter was painful and left them scarred and with an unfulfilled itching to rid themselves of the memory.

Over the next few days several more of us fell prey to them, indeed their numbers were growing and they knew no boundaries. Finally we could take no more, in desperation we called on the services of a 'specialist', someone prepared to deal with the detritus of society. We only knew him as Brian.

Obviously in our line of business we have inside knowledge of such people and the 'work' that they perform. I have to say however that the negotiations were tricky. Meeting in secret and ensuring that our phonecalls were not overheard, we finally agreed on a date and time. His methods were brutally simple but swift and deadly. None would survive he assured us, no one would be any the wiser.

And so in the still of night just a couple of days later, he stealthily entered the building by the rear door. Nothing could distinguish him from any other 'cleaner'. He quietly worked his magic and satisfied that there were no survivors he left us a note telling us how and where to send payment. Then he slipped out into the night once more.

Payment was swiftly dispatched, we wanted to distance ourselves from him with all haste. No one need ever know the terrible deed that had taken place under the cover of darkness. We must all stick together, lips sealed and sit tight, we'd get away with it, then it all started to unravel.

By lunchtime the office looked more like a late night at a German bierfest with people slapping at their ankles thighs and backsides. Brian had failed. Our nemesis had returned with a vengeance. These were the 'offenders' in question;

FLEAS, but it gets worse, these are not just any old fleas, they are Pulex Irritens, human fleas and they had infested our office. I am reliably informed that they are very rare these days, (they are even rarer now).I choose not to share my body fluids vicariously or not with strangers and as fleas are on the whole a whorey bunch not caring a jot who they bite, I made sure I had protection. However there are only so many ways in which you can accessorise a pair of waders.

After two more days of mayhem working with the new offenders, and no imminent support from the top brass, we decided to take matters into our own hands. At eight o'clock yesterday morning and suitably attired for the mass murder, we armed ourselves with industrial strength flea spray and set about the annihilation of the now hideously enormous population of fleas. Only time will tell if our massacre was a success. In the meantime I'm off to the shops, I saw a very nice scarf that I think will look absolutely stunning with my waders!

Wednesday, February 21, 2007


Yes it is the beginning of Lent, so for the next forty days and nights, many people will be sacrificing something in their daily life.

This year my colleagues and I decided that we would all give something up for Lent. I love my co-workers they are a hotchpotch of people from different backgrounds, race, culture, religion etc. As we started the ball rolling it gathered momentum and even the non-christians decided that they would like to join in. They wanted to boost the moral of their team and felt that a little abstinence could probably do their 'souls' no harm either. So here are the things being given up;

5 people are giving up chocolate
3 people are giving up smoking, (ouch, I take my hat off to them)
4 people are giving up alcohol, (me included... oh my word, no pickle juice until Easter)
2 people are giving up their cars, (they will be bussing it or on 'shanksies pony')
2 people are giving up cakes and sweet things of any kind, (I think they call this a diet)
and finally,
1 person is giving up cream cheese bagels.

'I'm sorry', I hear you say, 'cream cheese bagels?'

Yes, cream cheese bagels, they are her addictive, breakfast pleasure, she is on first name terms with the staff at the bagel shop nearest to our office. We realised that with this selfless act our little band had witnessed the pinnacle of true self sacrifice. We felt honour bound to help our friend in her endeavour, and so in order to assist her path towards admission to the hallowed ground of her own 'heaven', we telephoned the local shop. They now display the following note on their counter;

Do not serve cream cheese bagels to Carol.

She has given them up for Lent.

We salute this incredible act of self sacrifice.

See you in forty days.

I hope she appreciates our little gesture of encouragement!!!

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Little Oddities!

Well this post is a little overdue. I was recently tagged by Mamma, I am supposed to tell you five 'slightly odd' things about myself. Obviously this has taken a great deal of thought, as being a Saint I am of course perfection personified... oh alright then, yes I know I am a rather worldly Saint so there may just be a few minor blemishes.

  1. When texting from my mobile I have to use correct spelling and grammar. Likewise when receiving a text it makes me cringe when the sender doesn't do the same.
  2. My wardrobe and my shoe cupboard have to be colour co-ordinated. Yes I do have a slight thing about shoes, in fact I could probably give Imelda Marcos a run for her money... in the correctly colour co-ordinated trainers of course.
  3. I have creaky knees, no really they creak very loudly when I walk up and down stairs. I went to the Doctors about it, he reassured me that there was nothing to worry about, they were just noisy knees and gave me the technical name for the condition. I saw JT a little later and being a nurse she enquired what the diagnosis was, I cheerfully informed her that I had 'cretinous' knees. After she had recovered from her fit of laughter she informed me it was actually crepitous!!
  4. I have a small birth mark on my back, my son and daughter have identical birthmarks in exactly the same place. (No they are not numbers!)
  5. I may not swear or curse, but I do growl. Hmm, when I am miffed I growl and whoa betide anyone who does not heed the sign. Fortunately I have never had to resort to biting anyone yet ;0}

So there you have it, five slightly odd things about me, who would have thought it eh! Now at this point I am supposed to tag five other people, so I tag, Kate, she's always game for a laugh, 100 words, purely because it's the devil in me and I can't wait to see how he's going to do this in a century, Stinkypaw, because we like her, Marymurtz, so that when she runs out of something to say she'll have another meme in the wings, and finally Dorky Dad.

Saturday, February 17, 2007

I CAN Perform Miracles.

Many moons ago I worked as an Educational Consultant. This required me to travel around primary schools in the area and roll out the 'new' attainment targets.

So I set off one wet and windy morning for my first appointment. I pulled into the parking area and headed for the reception. As I passed the playground I noticed a large message pinned to the fence.

Missing, Flopsy Houdini, the school rabbit.

If you have any information

Please contact reception.

Underneath the message was a picture, Flopsy in all it's loveliness, a handsome bunny resplendent in black and white coney fur and a blue leather collar. My meeting was brief as the school had come down with a dose of the sniffles and so most of the teachers were either off sick or in no mood to learn about attainment targets. So I gathered up my stuff and headed back to the car.
As I approached it, my eyes settled on the fluffy black and white bundle lying just to the side of the back wheel. Yes it was Flopsy Houdini. After checking it over I discovered that it was now the 'ex' Flopsy Houdini, it would appear that I had run it over as I was parking.

Oh my giddy aunt, I wasn't sure what to do next, I could put it next to the wheel of another car and drive away, letting someone else take the blame, (no I couldn't bring myself to do that, I'm a saint we have codes of practice). I could take it home and give it a decent send off in the back garden, (everyone would be none the wiser and at least it would have a resting place). I could come clean and tell the receptionist what had happened, (I'm sorry I was completely lilly livered and couldn't face the accusing glares of the children and teachers). So I came up with an alternative plan.

I quickly emptied one of my boxes and put the demised bunny into it. With it safely stowed in the boot I headed into town and the nearest pet shop. Yes my plan involved a switch. After trawling around most of the pet shops in the area without success the situation was looking bleak. Then almost at the end of my tether and the list in the yellow pages I found my 'golden fleece'. A perfect match no one would be any the wiser. So after buying a pet carrier and getting the collar onto Flopsy ll, I had it safely deposited on the back seat. Next stop the school.

They were overjoyed that I had 'found' their bunny, the children had been heartbroken. After much celebration and communal cuddling, the Flopsy doppelganger was put into a new high security hutch. My deed done I headed home and put the previous Flopsy into a cosy earthy bed. All's well that ends well!!

Not quite... a couple of weeks later I received a phone call from the Headmistress at the school.

I answered the phone, "hello there,"

"Hello St Jude, I was just wondering if you could help me out with a slight query?" she asked

"Certainly, fire away,"


"Oh yes, and how is Flopsy?"

"Oh very well, in fact so well she has just given birth to seven babies, the children are over the moon, though it was a bit of a shock,"

"Little miracles happen," I replied cheerily

"They certainly do St Jude, Flopsy was a boy!" She replied dourly.

Friday, February 16, 2007

Be Nice To The New Boy!

It is Friday night, I have the house to myself, as his Lordship and her Ladyship are out doing other things. I am sitting down with a nice glass of pickle juice and the remote to myself.

So I thought it was time to to tell you all about '100 words'. Please drop by and say hello, (he's a 'newbie' so be nice and show him what we are made off), he has been sitting in my 'daily reads' for the last week or so and I hope that some of you may have found your way there. He has set himself the target of producing his daily posts in just... well 100 words. It is an interesting concept and I for one am eager to know how it rolls out. I would like without further ado to introduce you to The Centurian Diaries. Drumroll fades and... action!

Thursday, February 15, 2007

and the innocent shall inherit the earth..

I know that most of you drop by here for a little light relief, however today has been a rather difficult day and as some of you may not know me very well I thought that perhaps it was time that you got to know me a little better.

For those who are not aware, I work with the 'morally challenged'. I regularly deal with petty theives, burglars, drug dealers, violence, murderers and rapists, although the last two thankfully are more on a 'weekly' basis. I come into contact with case information that is graphic and at times disturbing.

However there is a particular case at the moment which has deeply affected not only myself but my co workers. My friends over here in the UK will I have no doubt heard about it, involving a beautiful child, just a baby, whose cherubic face would melt any heart, (or so I innocently thought), and whose smile I am sure would light up any room. Not anymore. This child was raped and murdered by a close family member.

Some people would assume that dealing with such people on a daily basis makes you immune to the 'normal' human reactions and emotions when confronted which such an aborhition. Well you are wrong. Yes to some extent we do have to switch off, but we never stop caring, we never stop being 'human'. We do, though have to develop strategies to deal with our emotions, otherwise we would all be lettuce limp and incapable of performing and the public would not thank us for that. One such strategy is to 'bury' our emotions, on occasions, such as this you bury them deep. The problem with that is that they are still there, and they can erupt at any time. I had one such moment today.

Nothing I did today could prevent this outburst, but I did my best to hide it. Knowing full well that it would end in tears I headed for the Ladies. I sat inside my cubicle and quietly sobbed my heart out, I had no choice, as a Mother and a Grandmother, my heart was breaking. Then as I tried to compose myself I heard the sound of muffled sobs from the cubicle next to me. Composing myself I opened the door and went to wash my hands. The door next to me opened and out walked one of my team. Neither of us spoke but at that moment we both knew what the other was going through. Instinctively we hugged one another giving and taking the support that we needed. That done we checked our faces in the mirror and walked smiling back into the office.

Tonight as you tuck your babies into their beds, remember to kiss them gently and tell them that you love them. Reassure them that there are no monsters hiding under the bed, but remember as their parents that those same monsters may lurk close by. But above all I ask that you remember this little angel, remember her brief life, don't let her become just another entry in the registrars dusty tome. She deserved so much more.

Normal service will be resumed tommorow... excuse me it has been a 'trying' day.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Love Letters

I was perusing the internet looking for Valentines Day inspiration when I came across the following little gems of advice. These are actually out there, along with a startling array of other wonderful oddities.

Advice on writing love letters...(obviously I have added a few little notes of my own)

Be Original. Just write down your true feelings and we assure you, your beloved will find it the bestest love letter in the world. - 'you're the best thing ever, I can really get to grips with your 'love handles darling'... are you certain about this?

Arrange for Some Mushy Stationery. It will make the love letter seem even lovelier. Also, remember that the paper should be of good quality and long lasting. - you might like to try the 'fire' test prior to using it. Does it burn well?

Don't Use Complicated Words. Don't try to impress your beloved by flaunting a very complex vocabulary, which he/she may not even understand.- do you think I'm lovely, do you think I'm sexy.. do you think I'm stupid.

Don't Make It Too Long. A ten pages long letter will eventually turn off your beloved. - ok, so he has the attention span of a gnat, he's not a great reader and he doesn't understand complicated words. You're not asking him to help you with your crossword in bed.

Date your love letter. So that after many years when you will look at it again, it will bring back all the lovely memories. - oh especially when the paternity tests come back.

Closing of the letter should be done in a very romantic manner. Sign off as Always Yours, Yours Lovingly, etc. - ah so, your loving 'stud donkey' isn't appropriate then?

Please make sure that you have not made any grammatical mistakes in the love letter. - WHAT!! Whose going to be checking it.

and finally some ideas for 'love notes'...

  1. I Love You! - very original.

  2. Without you, I am lost! - then get a map dear.

  3. If it weren't for you, I would have never known what it feels to love and be loved! - he's just trying to get into your knickers?

  4. You may not be the perfect lover in the world. But, You are THE PERFECT ONE for me! - well why don't you just slap him in the old trouser department with a wet kipper... it will have exactly the same effect.

  5. With each passing moment, my love for you grows more and more and more! - yes dear, a bunch of roses would have done fine, see note 4 above!

  6. Whenever I wanted any support, I always found you by my side. Thanks for being there all the time! - you've got a stalker.

  7. I love you from the moment I came into this life and will continue to do so till eternity! - Happy Valentines day mum, your loving son Oedipus R. xx

  8. You are no longer only my love. In fact, you have become my life and I have started living you! - he literally wants to get inside your knickers, especially the red frilly pair ;0)

You should also check out these 'love messages' on the same site as the above advice, they should come with an advisory notice.. 'don't take their advice'.


Monday, February 12, 2007

Porks Off!!

Mrs Beeton came over for dinner yesterday. I did the whole roast thing including Yorkshire pudds. It is always something of a trial when Mrs Beeton comes to dinner. She has very particular likes and dislikes. Unfortunately they tend to based on whatever is happening in the news. For example she is currently 'off' poultry, chicken and in particular turkey. My friends here in the UK will understand why, but for those of you who are not aware, it is down to the whole bird flu furor. Several years ago she gave up on beef, CJD was the culprit, just prior to that it was eggs because of salmonella, and then shellfish because someone told her that they 'store heavy metals', (she has no idea what heavy metal means or indeed where the shellfish keep their store). She spends her entire day glued to the news channel. The BBC of course, because no one else tells the truth!!!

So Back to the meal, I decided as beef, chicken, turkey, fish and eggs were off, I would serve Pork. So there I am serving up when I notice that Mrs Beeton doesn't have any pork on her plate. "You've forgotten to get some pork," I point out helpfully to her,

"Oh I don't eat pork," she replies munching on her carrots,

"what do you mean you don't eat pork, you've always eaten pork,"

"no, I don't eat it anymore, did you know that you get worms from pork!"

I was speechless, but I know better than to enter into an argument with her when she is in this mood. Then suddenly his Lordship came to the rescue, "we could rustle up some sausages... you like sausages don't you." She nodded enthusiastically.

A short time later Mrs Beeton was tucking into sausages, apparently they are not pork, they are sausages. It's a good job her Ladyship didn't decide to recount the story of when she discovered that sausages came from pigs, she was mid mouthful when Daddy, told her that they were pork, unfortunately she put two and two together and made.. well pigs willies. (She was only six at the time.)

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Gasbaggery - Mamma

This week it is the turn of Mamma to bring us her take on a quick read in the guise of Miss Julia Speaks Her Mind by Ann B. Ross. Apparantly it's only saving grace is that it is a 'quick read'. So go and check out her excellent review here.

If you'd like to join the Gasbags, sign up here!

We're getting to the end of our first review rotation, so now would be a good time to join us! Previous reviews this season:

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

A Little Cultural Exercise - Ladies and Gents!

His Lordship and I were visiting the theatre the other night. Prior to the start of the show we took a leisurely drink in the theatre bar, a rather grand place with oak panelling and crystal chandeliers adorning the beautifully painted roof. As we were finishing our drinks the bell sounded for us to take our seats. We settled in and enjoyed the first half. When the intermission came we headed back towards the bar, however the effects of the pre-show drink were taking their natural course and so I excused myself and headed for the 'powder room'.

My heart sank as I saw the queue. I should not have been shocked in the slightest by the sight of the line two deep running all the way out of the door and half way up the corridor. This is a fact of life if you are a woman, you have to queue for the facilities. And so it was my friends, that I took an executive decision and decided on an impromptu cultural exercise, 'are we ready yet for mixed sex facilities'?

The gentleman's toilets were on the opposite side of the corridor and so without further ado I bypassed the now cross legged, jigging line and headed towards the gents. On pushing open the door I could hear the sound of 'running water' to my left and therefore felt that it would be somewhat appropriate to divert my gaze to the right. However on doing so I realised that the entire wall was mirrored, as was the wall directly above the urinals. I had been spotted immediately by the half a dozen men engaged in, well in their business.

"Excuse me madam, but the 'Ladies', is opposite," one chap helpfully offered.

"Yes I know dear, but really, have you seen the queue?" I replied, and with that headed to the nearest cubicle to... well to go about my own business. As I sat contemplating the next thousand words in my novel and where my characters were going, (well what do you think about), I could hear a frantic flurry of activity as the chaps quickly finished up and left. You know I have to say that I was a little dismayed to find that not all of them washed their hands. No peanuts for me at the bar!!!

On completing my business I opened the door to go and wash my hands, unfortunately I disturbed a chap who was oblivious to the fact that I was there. On seeing me emerge from the cubicle behind him he panicked and attempted to shake and zip at the same time. Ladies having witnessed the results, I can tell you that this most definitely is not a good combination. As I could see that he was in a great deal of discomfort, and being a saint, I of course offered to assist. The poor chap bolted for the nearest cubicle and locked the door. He left as I was washing my hands, walking not unlike John Wayne as he headed for the door.

Just as he got there the door burst open and in walked a rather distinguished looking chap followed by two very harassed looking gentlemen, who I recognised from earlier when I had been spotted in the mirror.

"Excuse me madam, but may I ask what you are doing in here?" the distinguished looking chap enquired seriously,

"I have no intention of going into any detail, suffice to say that I have been using the facilities,"

"but you have your own across the corridor,"

"have you seen the queue?" I asked,

"that is beside the point madam, they are your facilities and you should use them, these are the gentlemen's facilities and they are unsuitable for ladies,"

"why ever not, they worked just fine for me thank you,"

"you misunderstand madam, these are the gents," he persisted

"so you keep saying dear, why on earth can I not use them?"

Just then a voice piped up from behind the door, it was the John Wayne impersonator, "because you don't have any ruddy balls woman,"

"Oh I beg to differ my dear, I just don't keep them in a pair of crusty old y-fronts...!" I gave him my most saintly smile before taking my leave to join his Lordship at the bar.

This is St Jude Mmr, Cjd, Nut, Dip Py, until my next assignment signing off.

Sunday, February 04, 2007

Gasbaggery - Kates Review

This week it is the turn of Kate to entertain us with her review of the Shopaholic Series by Sophie Kinsella. Only Kate could review a whole series of books!!! It's great so get on over there.

Have you read a book that was truly awful, seen a film that sent you running for the exit after five minutes? Think you could write a review and save mankind from having to endure this rot? Then follow this link.

If you would like to catch up on some of the previous reviews then go here.

Friday, February 02, 2007


I finished work slightly later than normal today. I like to catch the earlier bus if at all possible, the following being the reason why.

The bus is always pretty full by the time it gets to my stop so I headed to the back, not my favourite spot but this time it didn't look too bad. A lady reading her paper, a young woman playing with her phone and a Goth. I settled into my seat, I could hear the metallic thumping of the music pulsing through the earphones of the Goth seated in front of me. I stared out of the window and watched the city sites go by. We had gone a short distance when a rather grumpy voice chirped up;

"Is that your music, turn it down," a grey haired lady who was sitting two seats in front of the Goth demanded peering over her shoulder at me.

"I'm sorry it isn't me." I replied. She spotted the young woman behind me, who had earphones in.

"You, you," she said gesticulating wildly, "yes you, turn your music down,"

The young woman flushed red and turned down her music, but the noise continued. The grey haired woman determined to get to the bottom of this spun around in her seat again, she had her sights firmly fixed on the Goth.

"Will you please turn that awful racket down now,"

The Goth finally twigged that he was the cause of the disturbance and without any argument he apologised swiftly and taking out his earphones he turned his music off. The grey haired lady nodded her gratitude and returned to her paper.

We travelled a few more stops and an elderly black gentleman got on, he found his way to the back of the bus and took the vacant seat next to the Goth. A few stops more and I was bracing myself for the 'onslaught', the school bus stop! The bus pulled up, and 'they' piled on. A group of girls made their way to the back of the bus. Most of them looked to be fourteen or fifteen but there were two or three who where obviously younger, twelve maybe thirteen. One of the twelve to thirteen year olds, a particularly angelic looking girl with flowing blond hair and rosy cheeks over porcelain skin, I have had the misfortune to meet several times before on the bus.

Before she had even reached her seat she had started! A stream of profanities preceded her to the rear of the bus. She plonked herself into her seat on the opposite side of the aisle to the Goth and the elderly black gentleman. She did not hold back, even when her friends, who had also congregated at the back of bus, attempted to curb her language. The elderly black gentleman, as is his right, politely asked her to refrain from using such offensive language. She merely offered him a sneer much to the amusement of her 'posse'.

He turned to the Goth, "I am not sure what they teach them in school these days," he reflected sadly, and a little shocked.

"Certainly not manners Sir," replied the Goth.

I looked across at the blond haired 'cherub' spewing profanities as if they would go out of fashion, language so natural to her that she did not realise it's effect on those around her. The grey haired lady making her way to an alternative seat at the front of the bus, intimidated by this child, when only minutes earlier she had felt easy enough to challenge a young man dressed as a Goth. The elderly black man, on asking the bus driver if he could do something was faced with a blank admission that he, (the bus driver), would prefer not to confront the girl! I might add that he was also met with laughter from the huddle of adoring cherubettes at the back of the bus.

At that moment I took a long look at the blond haired cherub. Where did she learn such language, was it her peers? I think not, they appeared to some extent to be as shocked by her behaviour as the rest of us. Her family? I noted that the area she got off the bus was not the most affluent. The bus pulled up at her stop she and her posse disembarked as did the polite young Goth. If his parents could instill in him such attributes as politeness, good manners and respect for other people, then why could her parents not do the same.

I wonder if his parents are proud of their son, if they appreciate what they have achieved? I know that I for one would like to thank them, and all of the parents out there who still strive to instill the value of respect, courtesy and manners into their children.

I would like to clarify a point here, I am not a prude, I am not a 'snob', please remember that I work with the morally challenged everyday. I am used to this language, although I choose not to use it myself, I am subject to it everyday. But I have to say that the language used here was highly offensive, to hear it, and also witness the behaviour, (she was drinking alcopops at 3.15 in the afternoon, on her way home from school), as it was being used by a child, yes she is a child, disturbs me. I can't help wondering if one day she will be walking through my door!!

'Novelty' Writing Update
2nd Feb word count = 1133
3rd Feb word count = 1019

Thursday, February 01, 2007

'Novelty' Writing - Day 1

Well today is the first day of my journey into 'write a novel in a month' with BBC Scotland. (Thank you Kim for your suggestion.) I am supposed to write 1000 words a day... ha, that doesn't sound much... does it? Thank fully they have chosen the shortest month of the year, how awfully nice of them. I am not sure how far I will get or how long my fingers are going to be after all of this typing but what the heck you have to just take a leap into the dark sometimes.
Word count today = urm that would be zero so far ;0{
18.14pm updated word count = 1068
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