Tuesday, July 18, 2006

A Little Cultural Exercise - Batteries Not Included

Now before I go any further I have to point out that the content of this post is of an adult nature, if you are easily offended then may I suggest that you don't read on. Those who know me will obviously vouch for the fact that this is not the normal content for my posts. However you will be pleased to know that I have throughout retained my saintly persona.

It was a post by my friend kim over on her blog that got me thinking about this one, thanks Kim. We have certain laws that protect consumers, one in particular which states that an item must be fit for the purpose for which it is sold. Simply put it should basically do what it says it will do or perform as it says it will perform. If it does not them you are entitled to return it and either get a replacement or a refund. Simple. However it occurred to me does this law also apply to sex toys? So in the interests of consumer knowledge I set off to the high street and our local Ann Summers store.

Now although this is a 'sex shop' it does have the ability to carry itself with integrity in high streets and malls thoughout the country. Therefore one would assume that as it has shaken off the sleazy mantle that most of it's kind previously had it should offer the consumer the same protection as other high street stores.

On entering the shop I was greeted by a very pleasant young woman who kindly offered me a basket and a leaflet with their latest special offers. As I glanced through the leaflet I pondered in what shape the 50% extra free came!! I meandered through the racks of lingerie with their frills, feathers, leather, PVC, peek a boos and open crotches then on further into the depths here they kept the dressing up clothes, nurses, schoolgirls, catwoman, bunny girl, clown... clown! I'm sorry chaps but have I missed something here? Eventually I stumbled upon the 'toyshop', hurray my quest begins.

After a brief recky I discovered that there are quite literally hundreds to choose from, handbag sized, pocket sized, small, medium, large, superdooper, king kong, pink, red, luminous lime green, in case it's dark, five speed gear box, hydraulic breaking, sorry just kidding. So without further ado I began to select a variety for my basket. I chose what I considered to be a reasonable cross section of what was on offer. In the interests of fair play you understand. With my basket of goodies I headed for the till. I smiled my most innocent smile,

"Do you have a returns policy?" I enquired

"What do you mean?" The sales assistant asked cautiously.

"Well I assume I can return them if they are not 'right',"

"Not.. right. In what way?"

"Well until I've tried them out I won't know if they, well you know dear, work!"

She blushed furiously, "We, we couldn't possibly accept them back if, well I mean in the event, they've been used madam,"

"But how will I know if they 'work'?

"Work!" She stammered.

"Well if I were buying lingerie, you would let me try them on wouldn't you to see if they fit properly?"

"That's different madam, you see we have fitting rooms,"

"Oh, I hadn't seen those dear, can you direct me to them?" I asked.

Suddenly I had the feeling that old sinking feeling, as a door just to the right of the till burst open and out walked the Manageress. Suffice to say that she had at some point in her past had a humour bypass and was in no mood to discuss the matter further. Even when I did point out that as a consumer I have rights. Fit for the purpose, performs as it is supposed to perform etc. And so I was left to venture home with my little bag of goodies and no hope of returning them, as apparently in relation to dildos and vibrators there are in actual fact rather hazy performance criteria. Ah hem not wishing to be indelicate, but is it a case of hmm, that was nice, fancy a cuppa, or at the other end of the scale Meg Ryan's cafe scene and then some!! Obviously as a saint dear readers I am unable to comment. All was not lost however on my shopping trip, in their special offer sheet they were offering three packs of rechargable batteries for the price of two!

This is St Jude Mmr, Cjd, Nut, Dip Py, until my next assignment, signing off.

...and finally for the gentlemen reading this, I can unequivocally reassure you that size does not matter. Speed settings on the other hand... ;0)

32 at confession:

Stinkypaw said...

Your Saintliness, you are too funny!

St Jude said...

Stinkypaw: Thank you, how funny is 'too funny';0)

Kevin Charnas said...

I think that there's a different policy when dealing with ones powered by diesel...or some other type of petro.

Chris Pittock said...

You truly are insane, but I understand your point of view.

What interests me is whether you will be following up this test with a results table as to their performance? Which would recomend and why?

Purely scientific you understand 8-)


Rhonda said...

:::dies laughing:::

That was so not-so-saintly and so screamingly hysterical.

Bravo, Jude!

St Jude said...

Kevin: I obviously missed the diesel powered ones, maybe that was the one called the 'terminator'.

Chris: I am far too saintly to provide that kind of information.

Rhonda: I'm sorry to be the cause of your demise! ;0)

Kate said...

LMAO, this made me laugh so much :-)

I went to an Ann Summers party once, it was surprising to see how seriously the demonstration lady took the whole thing. (When I say demonstration I don't mean she literally demonstrated the products, she just held them up)

Pendullum said...

I was at a party recently and a woman said... 'well, hubby is a wee bit drunk tonight... I guess its the bunny?'
'The bunny?' i ask
Where have you been??? Hey gals, Pendullum over hear has not heard of the bunny?'

'Well I have a bunny rip off but it is as good as the bunny...'
says one

NNNNah you neeeeeeed the bunny!!!!
GET THE BUNNY!!!says another

'We haven't had a Cum as you are party lately'retorts another

What can of worms have I opened???
They go on and on about THE bunny and all I can hear in my head is...

'I guess you are no bunny until some bunny loves you!'

St Jude said...

Kate: you had me worried there for a moment, I wondered what sort of company you were keeping.

Pendullum: Very apt name, you are so welcome. No girl should ever be without her bunny.

joss said...

Me faints!
But but but but, splutter but but but splutter...damn 2 stroke vibrators...I guess 4 strokes are better than 2 ?

Rainman said...

Ohhh I'm am so embarrased!
NOT. Very good stuff, Very good.

My job takes me to all sorts of different places. Once not to long ago I was asked to go to a store called "De Je Vu" to aquire permission for my Utility Company to work on their property that afternoon. De Je Vu is a Strip Club with a huge "toy" store attached. So I call ahead and speak to the manager and set up an appointment for 3pm.

So I go into the store. Go up to the front desk and ask for the manager. The clerk says she is on her way, and will be there to meet me in about 30 minutes. So now I'm standing in middle of a huge toy store at 3 pm during the week, surrounded by dildos of every kind and staring me in the face is the largest plastic dick I have ever seen called the Jackhammer 3000! I kid you not Jackhammer 3000. It must need a car battery to start that thing.

I went across the street and had a coffee until she showed up.

Nikki said...

St Jude, I can't make up my mind on whether I want to LMAO or if I simply want my jaw to rest on the floor.

I think I'll go for LMAO.

This is the best posting in all of blogland ever. You are my hero.

I wouldn't have had the ..um...ability to pull that off.

kat said...

my life is so boring. well, except to say that my favorite shop name is "good vibrations." anybody seen "lock, stock and 2 smokin' barels" where the dude gets beated to death with a big black dildo? wonder if he could have returned the dildo since it was not performing it's intended function.

joss said...

And in other news, the Register reports that Channel 4 to televise UK's first 'Masturbate-a-thon' http://www.theregister.co.uk/2006/07/18/tv_spectacular/
I wonder who the sponsors will be?

Matt said...

Oh how this gentleman laughed at that!! Definitely coming back here if your future posts are as funny as this!


St Jude said...

Joss: be careful, you'll make me blush :0)

Rainman: your 'jackhammer' beats the terminator. Oh... when I said 'your' jackhammer, I didn't mean, well, oh, I think I'll leave it there thank you.

Nikki: thank you, I try my best.

Kat:I watched the film but appear to have blanked that particular scene from my memory!

Mat: Welcome, it's always nice to see new faces, so to speak. You are welcome back anytime.

christine said...

you made me snort my afternoon tea

Kim Ayres said...

Speed settings? Now I do feel inadequate...

Ally said...

I just spat my wine over the keyboard :)

Charlie said...

I have absolutely NO idea what ANYBODY is talking about. This being a Saint's blog, I came here for the daily prayer . . .

St Jude said...

Christine: Sorry, I hope I didn't make too much of a mess. By the way, welcome it's lovely to meet you.

Kim Ayres: Sorry. It's a girly thing.

Ally: Messy girl! It won't stop you doing your lovely posts will it?

Charlie: It's ok, we were just doing tech talk!! I'm not convincing you am I... well what can I say, you go and retire and everyone runs amok, someone had to keep the flag flying!!!

Dr Joseph McCrumble said...

Does your halo slip if you set them to maximum vibration?

St Jude said...

Dr J McC: I don't know what you mean ;0)

kim said...

I am absolutely laughing hysterically here in my office ...thanks people think Ive lost my mind!!

St Jude said...

Kim: Don't worry, you can keep me company. I've been walkabout for quite some time.

Dr Joseph McCrumble said...

Let me explain. If you hold something that is vibrating and touch yourself, the vibrations travel through your skin and disseminate in all directions like a travelling wave. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm assuming your halo is connected to your head with a piece of stiff wire. If so, the vibrations from your vibrator will travel up the wire and potentially dislodge the halo, unless it is firmly fixed.

To prevent this from happening, I suggest you use your free hand to keep the halo in place. And try not to writhe too much.

Attila The Mom said...

Oh my God.

I think I just peed on myself.

I can't stop laughing!

Jude, you are a much better woman than I am.

I bow down in awe. LOL!

Oh, The Joys said...

I can't tell what has me more deep in thought - pondering dressing rooms where you can "try on" vibrators and dildos or wondering what the **** the bunny is...

I am actaully really jealous. Would love to OWN the toys, but too timid to walk in and buy them (or even to order them from a remote location!)

St Jude said...

DrMcC: are you saying that I fake it... the saintly thing, my halo most definitely is not attached with wire. True halos are ethereal.

Attila: You need to get that 'letting go' under control lady. I know some very good exercises with some very interesting gadgetry ;0)

Joys: Lovely to see you. A bunny is a cute thing with big floppy ears!!! Just google rabbit vibes.

Brett said...

I think that this is my first visit, but it will not be my last, i worked in a shop and could see this from both sides of the counter, i laughed till i had tears in my eyes, thank you.

Pat said...

At risk of being pedantic I think one can only try on underwear if one keeps one's panties on.

DUTA said...
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